How do you deal with an ex? Do you ever get over him/her? And what about sex with your ex? Just some of the questions you can ask yourself about exes. There is a difference between how relationships were in the past and how they are now. If I look at my environs I see different people having different ways of treating their ex. One has an off relationship where another hasn't even spoken to the other for years.
But not only the way you have contact with that person matters, what he/she does with you is what is even more important.
In former times one married from out of the parental home with someone who could provide them a living and less because of the love. Most of the time partners were chosen under parental influence, one moved in together after the marriage, had children and faith wasn't taken that seriously.
Nowadays it's more about the romance. You look for someone who really suits you, with who you want a future, not because you have to. Many people start living on their own, then find someone and start living together as a kind of trial-marriage with lots of importance given to faithfulness, before the actual marriage.
Since people nowadays do not dependent on each other like in the old days and one imposes more requirements to relationships one decides more and sooner to break-up, and then what?
What after break-up?
Around me I see many different ways of coping. One suffers in a deep well, the other seems not to care about anything and parties like crazy. Attention seems, these people often throw themselves enthusiastically back into the dating scene but in the long term they usually don't get the desired (or expected?) satisfaction. Others, often those who separate fighting, can not stand each other while there are plenty who still have a little contact. Some people I know keep in touch, but purely for sex. Sex with your ex is a much debated topic.
There are some pros and cons. Advantage is that it is nice and familiar, you can let yourself go, you know exactly what the other likes, etc., on the other hand, it can cause a lot of emotional stress. Many people feel guilty afterwards, or keep a sense of shame. Also, sex with your ex can stir up old feelings, which is very difficult, especially if it only happens on one side.. Sex with an ex is therefore usually a single or momentary thing. All in all, there are only few who really stay good friends.
I can't tell you which way of dealing is the best since this is different for every couple and every situation. Rate for yourself what you think is best for you and stop it if it hurts too much.
'How do you feel about that?'
And beyond these practical matters, what about the feelings? What does he/she still with you? Will anyone ever be able to live up to him/her? Of course it is not easy to just get rid of your feelings. You didn't have a relationship and shared everything with each other for that long without a reason.
Give yourself time to grieve and then go do something fun for you to revive. Go for example - if your box of Kleenex is empty- to have fun with friends, have a giant cleaning or go finally do what you never dared. And do not it make it harder than it is. So set your limits!
Maybe your ex wants to keep in touch but you get homesick for him/her every time when you have contact, in that case you will not get over anyone soon. So be honest about this not working out for you. Keep in mind that the opposite is also possible and therefore don't force contact upon the other.
Besides you'll sooner let a new person in your life without constantly thinking about your ex if you have processed. Comparing only makes you unhappy. You will see thing in the wrong perspectives. If you are very sad because of the break-up you will probably think to optimistic about the past and your ex, while if you are very angry you will criticize more. In any case your view on your new flame will be distorted and that will affect your behavior. In the first case you will be to critical to your new partner, cause he will never live up to the perfect image you have in your mind, or in the second case, you'll be to dependent because he/she is ostensible that much better.
And if this is not bad enough, you could also end up loving two people at once.. and I think you can imagine for yourself that a situation like that will win you nothing more than doubts and feelings of guilt, it rather makes you loose everything!
If you're thinking that it still has a chance with your ex, or if you want to try, remember that also in that case you should take some time for both of you to relax before heading out to explore this possibility. Be honest with each other about your expectations and be cautious not to fall in the previously described situation!
As they say: time heals all wounds. It may take some time, how much is different for everybody, no for every relationship, but you will get over it! Often you will always have some feeling left for the other, you don't have a shared history for nothing, just see it like this: every wound heels with a scar.
In short, no matter how you and your ex decide to go, listen to your feelings, give yourself a chance to be sad and to acknowledge your feelings, cherish what you had, remember the lessons you've learned and let go. Never give up on love, always try to let a new person in your life and do not make it more difficult for each other than it already is by comparing.
It's your ex for a reason!
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