From the hands of my first guest-writer Avalonya, A really nice and social girl who, just as I, tells you it in the way it is:Does it really have advantages? Does it also have disadvantages? Is it even possible? Or is it doomed to fail? All questions I have asked myself many times before…
In a world where we are confronted with sex on a daily basis through various media, it’s strange how often this subject is still taboo. I am a Young, modern, independent woman. I am not ashamed to admit I’ve had every now and then a so-called ‘Friend-with-benefits’. In fact I even got one at the moment.
Some may think ‘you go, girl’, others may think ‘what a slut’. I am honest to say I don’t care which side of this line you are on. I think that everyone can agree with me that sex is one of the most natural and primitive needs of a human being, but that it also is one with a lot of controversy and diversity. So everyone should do what feels right by him/her.
Before I started writing this article, I have watched the 2011 movie ‘Friends with benefits’. I thought if Hollywood is brave enough to work with this subject, I should see if it’s one of those movies drained of stereotypes or that it actually contains some truth. It was a nice movie, but as I suspected drained with stereotypes. Boy and girl, both lonely and ‘emotionally damaged’, become friends. After while they decide to have sex with no strings attached. What seems to be the perfect solution, turns into a drama when feelings get in the way…
I ain’t going to give away how this movie ends, you will have to find out on your own if you have become curious. I liked the movie even though it was drained with stereotypes. I even recognized some of the situations and parts of dialogue between the two friends.
Advantages vs disadvantages
I started having a ‘FWB’ quite fast after I became sexually active. I just came out of my first steady relationship and had a rough time in my life. I am not one of the most beautiful ladies on this world and that was quite obvious at times. Men in my life always only wanted to be just friends, but for a relationship I wasn’t ‘their type’. Also in this period there where enough men who showed me the cold shoulder this way. Under influence of alcohol and drugs I was able to throw my natural shyness over board. Men noticed this as well and this is how I had my first one nightstand.
I found out that it felt good to fulfill this animalistic lust and that I didn’t need to be in a relationship to do so. Although the unbound and totally uncomplicated side of one nightstands a big advantage was, it also had disadvantages. You are sleeping with a totally stranger, you have absolutely no idea if it even is worth the effort and besides that you don’t even know if you find a ‘victim’ if you want to. When one of these one nightstands proposed to meet more often just to have sex, it seemed to me a great idea.
He wasn’t unattractive and the sex was good. Besides that, I could have a normal conversation with him, so we also did stuff together that didn’t include having sex. After a while it became a weekly visit, where we decided on the spot if we would satisfy each other’s needs or just have a nice afternoon together.
But it also had a big disadvantage. Before we made this arrangement, we didn’t think of the other side of the story. Feelings started to develop, one sided. This offcourse caused a difficult situation, so we decided to stop. We wanted to stay friends and so we kept hanging out together. After a few times, the inevitable happened and we had sex like we always used to have. This changed everything between us, because we noticed that our deal like it once existed no longer worked. The friendship we built up didn’t work anymore, because one felt more than the other. We couldn’t hang out with each other as uncomplicated, free and unbound like we used to. At first we kept in touch occasionally, where we would meet in public places to make the temptation as small as possible. Eventually also this occasional contact stopped, our friendship seemed not to be resistant to the temptation.
Even after this experience, I seemed to fall back on a ‘FWB’ every now and then. My opinion is that having a ‘FWB’ has advantages as well as disadvantages. If this is something you like and you experience the same advantages and disadvantages is up to you and the person who may be your ‘FWB’. That’s why I have put here the advantages and disadvantages like I have experienced them through the years.
Advantages:
-You get the milk for free, so don’t need to buy the whole cow (you get sex, but have no relationship/obligations).
- You got one sexual partner, instead of changing ones. This has the advantage that it lessens the risk of a STD, when off course you perform safe sex. Also you are more familiar with each others wishes and needs.
- You aren’t dependant on if you can actually hook up with someone, you just need to find a time that both are available.
Disadvantages:
- You are kind of ‘off the market’. Most people don’t look for a different relationship once they got a ‘FWB’.
- Feelings can develop. These can be on both sides, but usually they are onesided. This can ruin friendships.
- Not everyone is open for this kind of friendships, which mean people can judge you on this in their eyes inappropriate behavior.
The ideal solution or doomed to fail?
This is to decide for everyone himself. I can only say that the experience as described above, was the first in a series of several. Not one of them turned out to be a great success after all. Though this hasn’t stopped me from having another one, when I felt the need and had the opportunity.
What I did do was change my expectations. At first I thought this kind of agreement between friends didn’t come with a prize and could go on unlimited. This turned out to be a complete unrealistic expectation. If you are making such an agreement, be aware that this most often costs you the friendship and that it always is something temporary. Sooner or later feelings develop. These can be for the person you are having sex with, but it can also happen you develop feelings for someone else and therefore want to call off the agreement. This off course can also happen to the other one and then you might be disappointed.
Anyway, is it therefore doomed to fail? I don’t think so. I think that if you are clear with each other about the various consequences that can occur because of this and how to handle them, it can be a temporary ideal solution to a luxury problem. I say luxury problem, because having sex is not something that is necessary to survive, even though some may think it is.
Conclusion
It has it’s advantages and disadvantage, but if you are aware of them and make agreements with the partner in question, than you can have a really nice time. But most of all do what you like yourself.
I am curious what your oppinion and/or experiences are, so feel free to leave them at my blog: http://avalonya.blogspot.com/
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