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The silent treatment isn't something you left back on the playground. In fact, if you've ever been particularly icy or unresponsive after your partner pissed you off, you're probably guilty of it, too. And unfortunately, the results may be way more damaging than you think.
According to new research published in the journal Communication Monographs, the silent treatment is often viewed as a "demand/withdraw" pattern, which is basically where one person demands, critiques, or complains, while the other withdraws passively and defensively.
By doing a meta-analysis of 74 studies about this between 1987 and 2011, researchers were able to get a bigger picture about what exactly occurs when this habit becomes the norm.
The results were overwhelmingly negative. The study authors found that this demand/withdraw pattern was incredibly common, and it was linked to both psychological and physical problems. The silent treatment was associated with higher cortisol levels, depression, divorce, and even physical abuse. Many researchers, therapists and clinicians agreed that while this style of conflict may seem relatively harmless, is it's actually the most damaging, regardless of which gender is leading the charge.
This pattern should obviously be avoided, but how can you fight fair and still deal with the conflicts that arise in your relationship? One study suggests looking at your problem from an outsider's perspective (at least as much as humanly possible) to see each distinct point of view, which can help you come to an agreement more easily.
You should also steer clear of serious discussions or arguments when you're particularly stressed after work, since experts say this is common cause of quickly escalating conflicts.
Four tips for fighting fair in relationships
PUBLISHED: JUNE 18, 2013 | BY LAUREN ZANDER
1. Ask yourself what you'd really be winning.
Arguing erodes relationships. Couples who squabble frequently are often less happy than those who don't bicker as much. So is it really worth racking up another fight to have your guy admit he made a wrong turn three stoplights ago? Think about what you're really irked by—maybe the stoplight skirmish is about how you don't feel as if you have a voice in decisions—and whether there's another, less heated conversation you should be having.
2. Stop seeing him as a competitor.
Mates are called partners for a reason: You're supposed to work with them! Many of us forget that and just want to control the relationship. But striving to always be right means wanting him to always be wrong—and that's not a desire motivated by love or affection.
3. Fight clean.
When you do quarrel, these guidelines will help ensure the claws stay sheathed: Don't name-call or compare your partner with people you know he hates. Try not to interrupt, bring up ancient mistakes, or be cruel. Ask him to do the same, and agree that during a fight, you'll each be able to explain your side while the other person really listens (and doesn't just wait for their turn to make their point). This will help you go from thinking I won at the end of a fight to I get it.
4. And finally, move on.
It's really hard not to rehash old fights (we love to keep score), but once a disagreement is over, it should really be over. Bringing it up again should make you feel as if you're eating leftovers from a dinner that wasn't very good in the first place. The nice thing is, the more you communicate and empathize with each other, the less likely you are to revive old battles. Then everyone wins!
Lauren Zander is a life coach and cofounder of the coaching firm the Handel Group (handelgroup.com). Her first online betterment project, "Design Your Life," launches in September.
PUBLISHED: AUGUST 19, 2014 | BY KRISTEN SOLLEE, on Womanshealthmag
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